@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

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Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”


It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.


Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.


Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.


*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.


Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.


Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.


3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!