Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.
Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.
Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.
Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!