@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Sticker placement is key.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.