@Its_Kene

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

@Marcmywords2

It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.

@BreadFoster

Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.

@Mom_Overboard

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

@jimmy_sharpe

Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.

@_sweet_ham

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!