Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids

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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
Me: Thx


Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.


JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct


Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.


“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.


[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry


My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.


Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!


There are 2 kinds of people:

1) Happy morning people

2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people


Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.