I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You Might Also Like
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Sheep
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.