@gnuman1979

Their fitness instructor is very short.

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@PinkCamoTO

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

@imskytrash

LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

@HomeProbably

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

@CloydRivers

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

@Gorilla_Turd

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.