“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.