My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
fair
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.