[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Those are good neighbors.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
There are usually two types of merchants.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
This was the best day of my life
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.