@ThatMummyLife

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

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@JimmerThatisAll

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

@69underachiever

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

@DickMarcs

Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.

@KentWGraham

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

@LADaddy

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

@jonnysun

[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

@amydillon

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

@envydatropic

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

@Sammy_Sega

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”