Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.


I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.


Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.


Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.


There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.


[ouija board]
“shh its working”
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”


“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back


If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.


BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”