Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
smartest karate player in the world
They did not miss in the small print
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.