Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems