Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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Running from your problems is cardio .
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Knock Knock
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
waiting for halloween be like:
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin