Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
See..?
.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
step 6: release the wall snake
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.