@TequilaSaltlife

Them: Can you fix my computer while I am at lunch?

Me: You do know IT people eat food like other humans, right?

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@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@dafloydsta

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

@Home_Halfway

{in the ER}
WIFE: My husband broke his leg
ME: From sex
W: He fell off a ladder
ME: During sex
W: While painting
ME: Painting sex
W: SHUT UP

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT