(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Ape together strong
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.