Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Skills
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.