Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?


Them: Sorry.

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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.


Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM


God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot


Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.


“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them


My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.


*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*



The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.


“This tweet isn’t funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!” –me