God: you’re a bird.
God: but you can’t fly.
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You Might Also Like
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal