@PetrickSara

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

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@SteveKoehler22

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

@Sickayduh

DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@Elizasoul80

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

@offbeatoliv

It’s not necrophilia if they’re still alive in your heart.

@Brampersandon_

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

@_troyjohnson

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”