Dear God, thank you for not giving spiders wings.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.
Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
What is love?
DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
It’s not necrophilia if they’re still alive in your heart.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”