@PetrickSara

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

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@jeffswarens

Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.

@funflaps

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

@robfee

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.

@ReeseButCallMeV

Boss: How come I don’t see you doing any work?
Me: Because you have no imagination!

@Swishergirl24

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

@secondofhername

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

@TheCatWhisprer

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

@clarkekant

At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.