Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
so, is there a mister shapen head
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.