Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

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Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.


[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg


Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.


Boss: How come I don’t see you doing any work?
Me: Because you have no imagination!


Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?


If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry


Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.


At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.