Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok