@AshleyFrankly

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

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@NoticablyBacon

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

@UnFitz

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

@XplodingUnicorn

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

@Fred_Delicious

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

@Coolisiana

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

@shanethevein

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@ImaFlyontheWall

Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
Jury: *giggles*

@JediGigi

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

@_xLNc

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

@SamGrittner

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]