December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
You Might Also Like
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
B: Notice anything different about me?
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]