Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob