Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?