Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
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[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.