@TomE83_

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

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@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@alovablenerd

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

@justsomegirl81

Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.

@Nikkeya08

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@Angibangie

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

@13spencer

Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”

@TheBoydP

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

@BoogTweets

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

@wchoughton

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.