them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
You Might Also Like
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I can fix him.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
You learn something every day
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good