them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

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You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic


How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?


Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.


Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.


I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller


I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs


The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.


Saying “no” is okay, setting boundaries is okay, canceling plans is okay, eating your weight in Halloween candy is okay, pushing someone down a flight of stairs when they are rude to you is okay.
It’s called self care and it’s critical.


remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life