@50FirstTates

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

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@ShoutingGoddess

You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic

@MichaelTrying

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

@envydatropic

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

@stephenszczerba

I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller

@SavoirFail

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

@papasuncle

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

@Kryzazy

Saying “no” is okay, setting boundaries is okay, canceling plans is okay, eating your weight in Halloween candy is okay, pushing someone down a flight of stairs when they are rude to you is okay.
It’s called self care and it’s critical.

@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life