serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.