This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Her: Who was your first love?
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.
*I’ll show myself out*
I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I love whoever made this.