You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@PrettyInCamo11

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

@Desert_Musings

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

@platinum2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

@TheHyyyype

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

@djdarrellripley

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

@i_wantMyBiitch

I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…

@dreamthievin

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie