Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty