THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
accurate
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Danger is very dangerous
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.