@daemonic3

them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day

me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day

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@Kids_kubed

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

@thatUPSdude

50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.

*drops the mic walks away*

@nPhelendriqal

I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

@MarcusTheToken

I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.

@ThugRaccoons

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

@TheHyyyype

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

@Smooheed

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English