If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
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I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I beg your pardon?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May