The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day
me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day
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50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.
*drops the mic walks away*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English