THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I think I’ll stand
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
a god among men
Inside you there are two wolves
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos