Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes