Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN