@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

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@AndreyasAsylum

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

@Lerky

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

@TheAlexNevil

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

@juliussharpe

It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.

@ibid78

“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”

@nikkiblackcat

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

@murrman5

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready