THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.