THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?


Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.


You can only regret what you remember.



Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.


I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.


It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.


“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”


every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“


[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready