THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Can’t. Being lazy.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
who wants to go expliring
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES