them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
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My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.