@fuzzlime

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

@spacewizard_t

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

@KeetPotato

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

@AlsBoy

This woman took her cats to a department store to visit Santa and as you can see it went quite well

@GodShammGod9

My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.

@T_Bonezzz

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier

@fatherofcomedy

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

@harryreefeco

Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked