them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.


Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!


literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”


This woman took her cats to a department store to visit Santa and as you can see it went quite well


My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.


When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier


If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths


Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked