Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime