[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
“Why u bean like this?”
“Don’t u carrot all?”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
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HR: Did you call Brenda fat?
Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly.
Me: Big difference.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.
“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Hulk: Is that a trick question?