Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”


“Why u bean like this?”


“Don’t u carrot all?”



HR: Did you call Brenda fat?

Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly.


Me: Big difference.


I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco


The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.


I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”


“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.


5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.


My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.


Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?