Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.

Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.

- @TankCesar

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replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”


Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”


Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-


I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable


I’m no different than any other bachelor.

I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.


[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-



“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”


Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.


Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.