The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
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Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
A little too much information.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.