Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
is it earth
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Sell your car