My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
You Might Also Like
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.