Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Meow
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
They’re really bad with fonts.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library