Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”