them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.