Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Squirrels before girls.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.