Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.

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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.


Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”


Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?


7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”


The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.


Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.


lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were


To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.


I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…

Until I realize that maybe she has a type.