@beckybbarr

Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.

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@lawyerthoughts

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

@Marlebean

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

@Ms612

Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?

@anylaurie16

7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@ItsAndyRyan

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

@pakalupapito

lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were

@mrsauntiepam

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

@drinksmcgee

I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…

Until I realize that maybe she has a type.