[press session regarding increase in shark bites]
Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water
Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon
Houston: what ! proceed carefully
Me: you think we should p-
Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels
ME: *releases kraken*
KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back*
ME: go on you big dummy, get, go