If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?
7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…
Until I realize that maybe she has a type.