@beckybbarr

Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.

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@Mr_Kapowski

[press session regarding increase in shark bites]

Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water

@Cpin42

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

@joshgondelman

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

@shutupmikeginn

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

@ShortSleeveSuit

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

@sonictyrant

Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon

Houston: what ! proceed carefully

Me: you think we should p-

Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST

@wolfpupy

i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels

@drankturpentine

ME: *releases kraken*
KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back*
ME: go on you big dummy, get, go