Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
smh
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than