[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
You Might Also Like
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.