Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.