Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

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[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*


Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one


it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.


My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*


Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.


If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz


I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.


Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!

And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”