@AmishPornStar1

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

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@KattsDogma

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@ch000ch

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

@shkeeber

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

@Home_Halfway

Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.

@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

@Bob_Heller

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@Sandrahadenough

Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!

And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”