@ericsshadow

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

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@dorsalstream

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

@wolfpupy

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

@AbrasiveGhost

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

@Kica333

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

@The_Albinoshrek

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

@4SLars

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.