[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
You Might Also Like
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.