them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.