@fightgeek

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

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@snatch_stache

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

@shutupaida

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

@notmythirdrodeo

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

@juliussharpe

When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.

@tamberinetango

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

@DiscoFruit

i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees

@Kirangandhi

The second world war should have been called world war returns

@TravZA

I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”