them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything


4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do


When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.


Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%


I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.


i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees


The second world war should have been called world war returns


I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”