I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I have obtained a hat
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.