Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
tell em, edith-anne
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.