Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

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16: “What was the internet like in the old days?”

*opens door*
*pushes 16 outside*
*locks door*


GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings


The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.


*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.


Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.


Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.


“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.


I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.


It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.