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Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I know karate and tons of other words.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.