THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
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Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
do what now??
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head