Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.