Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You Might Also Like
“I AM A WARRIOR”
Sorry, worrier. I am a worrier.
Batman: I told you, if it’s mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang..
Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
when you kill a whole pizza by yourself
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*