@AbbyHasIssues

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

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@AristotlesNZ

Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me:..
Him:.
Me:..
Him:.
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.

@ThaJawn

Batman: I told you, if it’s mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang..

Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes

@ArfMeasures

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

@DurtMcHurtt

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

@iAmDelFreaky

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*