“Describe yourself in three words”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[I dont get invited to a party]
[I get invited to a party]
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”