@AngryRaccoon2

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

@copymama

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

@JasonLastname

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

@panmidwest

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@Maddy_ubert

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”